Dear C
So sorry to give you the wrong impression. No, K didn't die. Don't include him on the obituary list! He left the community, not the world. But then, when someone leaves the Order, the kind of heaviness is almost like what death can bring, if not even more unbearable.
With death, we celebrate the completion of life and the fulfilment of vows, even if someone dies young. Departure makes us ask questions that have no answers. We have not yet adopted the kind of attitude that would allow us to host farewell parties when someone in solemn vows leaves, as if agreeing to a feeling that it is time to "move on". The question that the General wrote in his Report to the General Chapter still rings clear in our head: ask not why a friar leaves but ask why the rest stay.
So why am I staying? That's a good question. Rather than telling you why am I NOT leaving, I must answer the question: why I am staying. Besides answering the loving call of the Lover, I desire to follow Him till the end.
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Excerpt from my earlier journal:
A month before I got here, I got a message that one of my classmates (same year of entering and solemn vows, etc) had decided to leave the order. He had been having very good prospect - had opportunities for further studies, got elected to important posts and got assigned to important offices, etc. Never mind about why he left but the fact that he left had made an impact on me. I accepted the decision of transferring me here because I knew I would be here with my friend. But he is no longer here. I felt betrayed, cheated, angry, sad, etc. (You know, very typical of me.) He moved out the day before I arrived.
Tonight, a bunch of us went out for dinner as a farewell thing, not a high profile farewell, but a time to say good bye. We men are so difficult to express emotions. At the end of the dinner, after lots of pretty words (or really just euphemism) about let's-remain-friends, we-are-still-brothers and come-to-my-wedding-will-you being said by others, I broke my own silence and said, "Look, I don't know about you all, but I am sad that he is leaving. I really loath to see him go. "捨不得 -Shebude, letting someone / something go." Everyone was kind of astounded by the stark expression - possibly I said what everyone was feeling too. He (the one leaving) admitted he would miss us too.
Well, as good Franciscans, we had a big feast despite everything and now I am too full to go to bed. Possibly indigestion...
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3 comments:
Brother W, I can understand with the feeling that you are now having. The departure of a dear friend, no matter if it is by death or withdrawing oneself, would sadden me greatly.
I still remember that there are two saints (Sts. Basilius & Gregorius of Nazian) who were so dear to each other. One of them even described their intimacy in his sermon as: "...at that time, both of us became the other one, we did all things together...It seems like, we two, have two bodies but only one soul..." What a beautiful friendship!
If something against my expectation happens to the friendship to which I am committed, I admit that it will be a big hurt to me also. It is not because of my lack of faith in God or I have entrusted myself too much to the leaving one. Rather, it is the feeling that my unity is deprived. That would be a deep hurt, for we used to be one.
I agree that finding God's Divine Love by means of particular friendship may be unreliable, but it does not mean impossibility. I think most people find their road to God by the way of "from below to above", and that is why religious vocation still attracts many.
Facing departure of our dear friends, we may console ourselves by thinking that they have found the true happiness by the way of leaving. Still, we are hurt. What exactly has been hurt is the committed relationship. As you did in the farewell party, it is so hard to say ‘it’s okay! May you be happy for the rest of your life.’ I believe that, if I were you, I would be afraid that the words coming from my mouth would be: ‘Stay, please’.
What will remain for the one who is still faithful to the relationship? I believe that there will be something beyond the sadness remain for the faithful one.
I just got to know of the departure of one of our Brothers a few days ago. As I am not familiar with that Brother, I was not shocked so much. My name is made up of the character “fire” and I have always been labeled as a “son of thunder” by most of my friends. However, my old girl friends labeled me “ice man”. I may have double character. The words from the song “I don’t know how to love him in Jesus Christ Superstar” might describe me well: “I'm the one / Who's always been / So calm so cool / No lover's fool / Running every show.”
Normal person may not feel good when his or her friend leaves, especially due to migration or death. Although I am so called “ice man,” I do not feel good when my friend is leaving. However, I do not feel too bad. I could not meet him or her frequently or even anymore but I keep him or her always in my mind. I still remember the old good days before my old girl friend passed away more than 20 years ago.
When I was young, what made me angry and sad was injustice. What angered me more was when my comrades retreated from our fight against the unjust. I might feel mad if my friends did exactly the thing they had criticized others for doing so. But today I accept the limitation of human nature and accept my friends’ inconsistence. Therefore, when I heard that a past executive committee member of the Federation of Catholic Students became the Chief Executive Officer of the Liberty Party of Hong Kong, I was puzzled rather than angry.
Furthermore, I find that I can keep calm more than before after my application in joining the Order. I think I might keep the friendship with my ex-brother if something really happens later. I am not going to judge his personal intention. That is the job of God. I may try to minimize the adverse effect created only. May calm and peace be with you.
Many many years ago I met a pretty lady in church who loved the arts a lot. I enjoy art also but most of my friends do not. Therefore I have good feeling with her and would like to approach her. One day she sent somebody to tell me that she had a “boyfriend” and would like to keep a distance from me. I felt hurt at that moment. I could not deny that she was attractive, but I think of myself as her good friend and could share with her just about the arts and our belief only. I know she is too pretty and young for me and I do not expect to be her “boyfriend.”
I wonder how a man and a woman can become good friend but not as boy or girl friends. After that indirect conversation, I tried my best to keep a distance from her when we met in the church activities. It became difficult for me to share with her as before. Moreover, every time we met I felt uneasy and she tried not to talk to me. If we ought to work together, I felt she was trying to challenge me in every aspect.
I admire the friendship between St. Francis and St. Clara. They could share with each other so many things but I could not share with that pretty lady other than the arts. I cannot be her ordinary friend even though we have similar interest. However, I would not refuse to be her good friend if she accepts. I do not like the feeling of being ignored intentionally by somebody I like. I do not know how to settle my relationship with that pretty lady, and I do not know what exactly your feeling is with your departed “Brother” too. I just try to share with you.
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